Hello all : )
I have had an… interesting few days. My life is so different from what it was a month ago and it’s definitely taking some getting used to. I’ve discovered through several burning pains in my chest, back, stomach and side (as well as some attempts to kick the pain out of me *cough* Chris *cough*) that I have a very doubtful attitude. Or, actually, it’s not really something I’ve discovered so much as something I’ve acknowledged. Most of my life I have doubted anything good – I’ve always waited for the rise to become a fall, for what goes up to come down. Whether it’s in my friendships and relationships, my job or income, my spiritual gifts, my connection with God, my skills and talents – I have doubted nearly everything at some point in my life for some reason. This past weekend I was healed of so much from simple physical ailments like a twisted spine which made one leg shorter than the other to deep spiritual roots that have left immense amounts of guilt in me. It was all so completely amazing! Yet once I came home and was no longer around my spiritual fuel, my world changers (and how I love all seven of you), I began to doubt it all. And that is just foolish. That doubt is exactly what will hinder me from growing, and God knows there is a mighty enemy that doesn’t want me to continue growing at the pace that I have been. Thank goodness for those unusual friends who kicked me in my side, hit me in the back of the head or completely invaded my space and comfort bubbles to knock that sense back into me.
I’ve been talking to a lot of you lately about a marvelous book that I seem to have permanently borrowed from my lifelong bestfriend, Dustin, called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. This book has taken on a completely different attitude and importance to me given everything that has happened in, to and through my life in the past month. Every time something comes at me or attacks me, I’ve been grasping for something and trying to understand it and have never quite wrapped my fingers around it. Once I realized that the door I keep opening for pain is all wrapped in the insane amount of doubt I harbor in my spirit, the quote I was looking for from this book came to me clear as day.
You are not what you think you are. There is a glory to your life that your Enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it… But once you begin to see with those eyes, once you have begun to know it is true from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything.
The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it.
To use a phrase that has become second nature to me as of late, the first thing that came into my mind when I grabbed onto this was hellooooo! Of course I am having a harder time with believing! Of course I am being hit with all this stuff left and right! The target that’s been on me for years is now glowing bright as can be. They’re throwing all they’ve got at me to try to bring me down before I step into all that God has for me. Can you believe it? Satan fears me. With this new bit of knowledge, things have changed dramatically. I can look such doubtful things in the face and laugh. I know I have been healed. I know I am filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that God has changed me – is changing me. These doubtful feelings are just Satan’s way of trying to get a hold in somewhere where he is not welcome.
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand
So much has changed and so much will continue to change. But there is no way I can deny that God’s got it under control and that it is right and perfect in His timing. Until yesterday, I had no prospects for anything… just a location I wanted to live near, a church family I couldn’t wait to call home and a roommate who also couldn’t wait to get out of her parents house once we both found jobs. Now I’m getting ready to head to bed to prepare for two job interviews on Tuesday and looking at three apartments tomorrow. And the best part is that there’s still so much more to come and I know it! I’ll be making my way south to be with some of the crew tomorrow and will then be in Wilton/Nashua until Wednesday so that I can go to Tent (<3) and see everyone there. And I love it.
God is moving in New Hampshire… in New England. He’s changing things and shifting things and making things nearly perfect for a few friends and I to be closer together, living near each other, at this time so that we can continue to grow and feed each other. God is also strengthening friendships and introducing friendships with people who are currently nowhere physically near me (again, <3) and His timing and plans are just so immense. Did you know that God gives a ridiculous amount of subliminal messages? Because I’ve found soooo many in the last few days that it’s pretty hilariously ridiculous! And it all makes me so excited I can hardly contain myself. : )
The title of this blog post is from the song “Back and Forth” by Lanae Hale, a song I didn’t think I would like at all for no particular reason other than I didn’t like Lanae’s singing style at first. Well, big shocker here, I’m in love with her music and the lyrics to this song. The chorus and the bridge are my favorite (you can check out everything else on your own):
Feel the rain falling hard on my shoulders
I lift my head and don’t let go
Feel the tide rising high as I get older
I lift my head and don’t let go
I feel the waves rolling over and over
I lift my head and I don’t let go
Cuz You’re my light when the dark gets colder
So take my hand and don’t let go, don’t let go
If I could, I would run across the sea
To hear you speak to me
Back and forth the waves keep crashing
Hold on, my head – I keep on sinking
I need Your hand to steady me,
To bring Your peace to this storm
Cuz it’s back and forth
I’m not going to give in and just take the pain or accept the doubt. As soon as it crosses my mind, bzzzt! I’m totally zapping it away. There’s no place for that here. God’s got my hand and He won’t let me go. Just a little something to reflect on… I’ve now written a little more than I intended, but I knew I wanted to write tonight. I should go switch my laundry and head to bed so that I can be out of here tomorrow morning to get myself to Allie’s so we can look at apartments. : ) Hope you all had a great weekend and that you have a great start to your weeks!
