Apology to Life…

I’ve been lost lately… For the past month or, actually, probably, more than the past month… I’ve been so focused on getting my life together and getting it the way I want it to be that I have neglected everything else. I spend a lot of time focusing on work and school work and yes, it’s true, boys. I’m used to moving or leaving or people moving or leaving me, so whenever I find anything that I love doing or people that I love being around, I take every opportunity I can to be doing those things or being with those people. The problem? I tend to put everything else a little farther down on my priority list – and that’s lame.

I have a pile of Christmas cards on my computer desk that I got a few days before Christmas, had mostly finished by Christmas, and haven’t finished or mailed out… I’ve lost track of my life as it is and have just been looking to get my life the way I want it to be by changing everything around and ignoring what’s hard or farther away because it’s easier to just stick close to home or just deal with the things I can control and the situations I know will always be great…

My eyes are more open now… Psalm 3. The things that I can’t change right now are the way they are because I’m where I’m supposed to be – my head is being lifted and I am starting to become content with the way that things are as they are. With all of that said, I miss you. And that you includes friends in the Nashua area that I haven’t spent much time with, friends from ENC (both graduates and current students) that I have neglected contacting, friends from down south whom I haven’t responded to, family at home whom I haven’t gone back to visit in a while… I. Miss. You. And it’s honest and true that sometimes I don’t contact you or converse with you because I’m jealous of where your life is and I’m sometimes embarrassed for you to hear about where my life is in comparison… I have a Bachelor’s degree and good experience, but I’m working two part time jobs plus doing freelance as well as getting internationally certified as a wedding and event planner… I’m not as involved in my church as I want to be, I don’t sing as much lately as I used to… I’m afraid that you won’t find me interesting anymore and won’t want to spend time with me or hear about my day because you will feel like it so pales in comparison to yours.

I’m not where I wanted to be, but I’m getting used to the fact that it’s not where I’m supposed to be. I like most of the things about how my life is, and while it’s where I’m supposed to be, it’s taking a lot to get used to the fact that what I want now isn’t what I wanted before and it’s a little hard to let go of. I’m working things out. I’m so sorry it’s had an effect on us. I just hope you can forgive me. I do miss you. A lot.

Technological Advances…

I’ve learned a variety of things today, particularly involving backups. I now know how to:

  • partition an external hard drive
  • set up the hard drive so that one partition is for Time Machine and another is for separate backups
  • how to create a disk image, erase and restore from the disk image
  • discuss the benefits of lithium-ion batteries versus other battery makeups
  • connect a REALLY old analog tv to a REALLY new Apple computer via analog converter sets and a bunch of other crazy cables

I feel like I belong in that Dr. Seuss book right now – “Oh, the places you’ll go!” : )

Before I hit the hay for the night, I’ve really got to get myself more of a daily routine down – which is what I’m absolutely working on right now while I back up my entire computer before I revert it to the older operating system. I’m also planning out a menu for what I’m eating the rest of the month – no more fast food for me! : P

This has been a fairly uneventful post, but things should get more eventful as I fall more into a routine in my new home. : ) Night, all!

IEWP Certification Update…

So. This is a really quick post :)

First of all, my website is now up and running and I’m super psyched.

Second, I still love my jobs and while some things need improvements here and there, I think I might be on the right road to where I want to be.

And lastly, I will be finished my coursework from the QC School by the end of March. Which means I will be a certified International Event and Wedding Professional (IEWP) BY April at the latest!!! : )

Inspiration WANTED

Post-Christmas syndrome has set in and while I’m turning my new place into more like MY home and I’m getting a lot of things accomplished, I’m running out of inspiration… and I have a lot of things I’d really like to get done… : \

My coursework came for my Wedding and Event Planning Certification Program which I am psyched about, but I’ve decided to wait til January 1st to actually dive into it. I’m really excited about how everything looks and how the student center works. The books look like they’re going to be immensely helpful and my course projects look like super educational fun. Once this ride starts, it’s going to be AWESOME.

Coursebooks!

The wonderful workbooks and course outlines I get to dive into!

Coursebooks!

The awesome textbooks I will be studying and citing for just about EVERYTHING!

My mom just ordered my camera bag <3 from B&H. I can’t wait for it to get here… It’ll be great to have a little backpack that has my camera, lenses, flashes, cords and anything else I need in it all in an easy-to-use space. Right now, my camera has its own little case and the lenses just kinda chill… This bag will kick BUTT for what I need. One downside: this bag doesn’t have a tripod clip, so I can’t just clip my tripod to the back of my bag and be completely handsfree like some of the bags I looked at. However, this bag will give me the best access to my camera without really having to take it off my back! WOOT!

My webfolio is really starting to come together. I’ve got a temporary version online and once I get it the way I want it to be completely, up the whole thing will go to a wonderful .com home : ) I really can’t wait to take photos at my friend Rachel’s wedding this spring… Not going to lie, it will be the first wedding shoot I’ve done. I’ve done some photos after weddings for people and have taken photos at a wedding from where I’m sitting (which has been ridiculously hard without my flash and with the lighting being so awful at each of those weddings for photo purposes). This is going to be fantastic : ) Vermont treats me well with photo taking opportunities so yeah, can you tell I’m excited about this as well?

Okay… this is turning out to be nowhere near as interesting as I thought… I’m going to go make myself dinner and search out that inspiration to get things done that I’ve been searching for… : P

Moving Up and Out

Long time no update, yes, I’m well aware of this. Things have been crazy busy. I’ll do a quick little update for you all and then we should be able to get to blog postings that aren’t simply updates. : )

I’ve moved! I now live in Hudson, NH with Bev, a woman from church. She had an apartment available on the ground floor of her house and it was exactly what I need for right now! It’s about 3 miles from Apple and about 10 miles from Bonhoeffer’s and church, so it’s great! Bev has three cats there right now – Milo, Otis and Angel. After Christmas, I will be bringing Stuart back with me and will help him adjust to life there with three other cats. The space is really great – nice and open. I have my own bathroom, too, which is nice, and being able to do laundry without quarters is a wonderful feeling!

I’ve started my wedding & event planning certification! Well, I enrolled and the books and all should be waiting for me at my place when I get back after Christmas. I’m so excited to start and get myself going on everything. I’ve also got a good few handfuls of photoshoots coming up! It’s been a rough start in Nashua photo-wise because I was trying to get myself situated and had barely gotten my name out there, but things are picking up. : ) I’ve done a couple of weddings and have a few more coming up which I’m psyched for and one of them will be for my dearest RayRay (Rachel) in Vermont! So awesome.

In case you didn’t catch the drift previously, I’m currently at my parents’ house in northern NH for Christmas! Thanks to one of my best friends at work, I was able to come home on the 23rd by dinner so that I would have two full days home for Christmas. : ) Derek came over and joined us for dinner last night since he was already in Wolfeboro picking up his dad and it was really nice for my sisters to meet him and vice versa. We decorated some cookies and laughed almost a little too much, haha. Right now, we’re all getting ready for our Christmas Eve tradition of homemade pizza, Coke and White Christmas before opening our stockings. I’m super excited. This is one of my favorite things about being with my family at Christmas (another one is breakfast casserole Christmas morning <3!). I’ll head back south the day after Christmas to get Stuart used to his new home before working a closing shift at Apple. While I love being home, I already miss my peeps from Southern NH, and it’ll be wonderful to be back with them even though I will miss my family time when I leave.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. Not just because of the decorations, presents, family time and the wonderful way hot chocolate seems to solve everything. Christmas always reminds me of just how amazing my God’s love is for me, for you and for all of us. Years ago I heard this song and it completely expresses how I feel. The song is called “Celebrate the Day” by Relient K. Read through the lyrics and give it a good few thinks. : ) Merry Christmas, everyone. I love you ALL, but God loves you way more.

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say
To let You know how much You’ve touched my life
Because here is where You’re finding me
In the exact same place as New Year’s eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We’re less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I’ll compare
The things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And the first time that You opened Your eyes
Did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life
Pray for You to save my life
Pray for You to save my life

And So This Is Life

Well. My last post was months ago. I have SO much to update you all on!

I absolutely love my job at Bonhoeffer’s. It’s been such a blessing and I love the people I work with. We just finished a few weeks at work that were super intense, first with GOIAM, an international conference that Grace Fellowship Church (my church that the cafe is affiliated with) hosts every year, and just recently with the Holiday Stroll. It was really crazy busy and intense the whole time, but there were so many interesting people in the cafe. I got to chat some more with a few of the pastors who were at the Healing service a few weeks back at The Village Church and just had an all around awesome time. : ) Cara also told me that I make the absolute best Pumpkin Pie Lattes that she’s ever had. Woot. I learned a little more about Cappuccinos earlier in October which was pretty interesting. Christina made one wet and one dry and then asked me to try them, which obviously didn’t go so well since I don’t like coffee. I could hardly stand the German Chocolate Mocha I made a few weeks back. : ) So great. I love my job.

Also along the lines of job news, many of you know that I started work at the Apple store in Nashua as a part-time Specialist. Yet another job full of amazing people that I love inside and out. The people I work with are pretty much amazing – we all get along so awesomely and it’s just fantastic to have so many people who get me in one place. : )

By the end of the month, I should be in an apartment in Nashua, whether it’s with roommates or on my own. I’m excited but nervous all at the same time. With one option, I’d be able to start my event planning program and finish it within a matter of months. With another option, I’d have an entire apartment all to myself to do what I wanted with it and make it 100% my own – there’s something appealing about having a space that is completely my own right now. However, all that said, I will go where God sends me. One thing’s sure though – wherever I go, Stuart is coming with me! I miss my cat soooo much!!!

Okay. I’m sure this has been a boring post. And I need to get a Christmas list to my fam. So I’m going to do that and eat and all that jazz. Hopefully I’ll be able to post again sooner rather than later! God bless you all in this holiday season!!!

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

It’s been a while. I know. I’m lame. My apologies. Allow me to give you a quick explanation. : )

I came to Nashua a little over a week ago to go to a job interview with The Picture People and to spend the weekend with friends at a few healing services, a SoulFest BBQ and just to have an all around awesome time. My interview was at 11 on Friday. I got a call telling me I had the job by 6pm Friday. They asked me to start Monday. : ) So, we all celebrated and got super excited and then I had to coordinate going home and grabbing some more clothes because, heh, I hadn’t planned on staying in Nashua/Wilton for longer than the weekend. SURPRISE! I still haven’t been home. : )

I went through my week of training at The Picture People and discovered that it was absitively posolutely not for me… I was miserable. I hated going into work. I learned a lot more about photography and lighting and posing than I knew before, but it just was not at ALL where I wanted to be. Plus, the scheduling made it very difficult if I were to try to find another part-time job (which I will need eventually). So I started praying about what to do and where God would send me.

Sometime mid-week last week I went into Bonhoeffer’s Cafe for an interview – Bonhoeffer’s is a WONDERFUL cafe connected with Grace Fellowship Church that is probably one of the happiest places I’ve ever been in. As I described it to Krissy earlier, Bonhoeffer’s is a hug. This past Sunday (as in two days ago) I realized that I couldn’t deal with The Picture People anymore and it wasn’t worth my time or theirs for me to continue… So I was trying to figure out how to go about quitting and had spent Sunday morning thinking and praying about it. After church, we were hanging out in Bonhoeffer’s when Kathy (the manager) came in and told me she had been wanting to talk to me. Instead of telling me I got the job, she asked me to call her so I could start training. : )

I took a quick trip to The Picture People after to speak with one of the managers and give her a heads up about quitting to see what I should do as far as that goes. I ended up going in Monday morning ready to work so I could speak with the studio manager. She offered me the option of a seasonal position where I choose my own hours during their peak times and just help out wherever. And I totally might take her up on that offer.

So. I am living in Wilton with the Stocks right now still sorting out jobs. I’m super happy with my life however frequently it changes.  I am totally in love with my friends both near and far. One of my dearest friends gets married THIS WEEKEND and I am completely ECSTATIC!!!

I should prolly get going – I’ve been writing this song that I really want to finish. God’s really been giving me the words I need to express everything that’s on my heart and mind and it really helps to be able to get it out.

Hope you all are well! <3

Writers Block (or Stockade)

I’ve got half of a song written and I really want to finish it… I also have the beginnings of a few other songs. And I want to finish them as well! GAH! Hopefully this weekend will break past the writers block I seem to have when I’m back with 6 of the 7 (Tori’s in Canada). AND!! Corey, Brittany, Krissy, Kathy and I’m not even sure how many other awesome people are going to be there as well when we’re at the SoulFest Volunteer BBQ Saturday at Kathy’s place!

This is a really short post, and I know that… but still. I have an interview with The Picture People tomorrow at 11am. Then I’ll hopefully do some more job things before heading to the Stocks’ house to change and get ready for the weekend!! (Friday night @ Chris’ with the crew, Saturday @ the SoulFest Volunteer BBQ!!, Sunday @ Grace Fellowship and then back home to WO-Town)

On an ending note, I’m ready for a nice full-time job and to be able to move into an apartment please. That would be wonderful…

Surrendering

I’ve come to a crazy realization: being at home here in Ossipee depresses me and drains me and makes me feel so lazy. When I’m here, I don’t want to do anything but sleep, lay around in my room (which I let become a total disaster), watch TV or surf around on my computer. I don’t really have a whole lot of people around here to hang out with (minus the times Derek and his dad are visiting their grandmother in Wolfeboro) and I just get in a really down mood. And I can’t stand it. This is one of many reasons that I need to move out of my house… It’s starting to drive me a little nuts. I really just want my own place in an area where I feel happy and where I have friends closer than an hour+ away… Obviously I have other reasons, but these are important reasons to me. I like being joyful and happy and I like to be going places and doing things… And I have absolutely no motivation here to do any of that.

With that said, God’s taken away almost everything that’s holding me back from going where He needs me to go. And while it’s been hard surrendering everything and while I have a habit of surrendering piece by piece instead of all at once, I know that it will definitely be worth it in the end. This past week when I was at Tent, God kept letting me know that I was holding myself back with little things here and little things there. When we got back to the house in Wilton, this song was the first to come on my iTunes:

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly, not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am
And now You’re asking me to show
What I’ve been holding oh, so tightly
Can’t open my hands, can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Can’t You let me go?

“Surrender, surrender…”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can’t You see
My dreams are me, my dreams are me

You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with one that’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

“Surrender, surrender…”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can’t You see
My dreams are me, my dreams are me

I get it. : ) Better late than never, right? God’s completely blasted away my dreams and my plans and everything I wanted for my life and is showing me all that He wants for me and He’s showing me how happy and joyous life can be when I accept it all without a fight! I’m not going to be perfect at the whole surrendering thing – I know I’m going to trip up now and then and have a hard time surrendering some things still, but I’ll get it and I choose this path. And if I’m ever being stupid about things, I know that I can count on my friends to kick me back into my place. : )

I’m getting ready to head out for another few days of awesome fun. Tonight I’m driving to ENC to spend some time with Teeter and Sarah before Sarah heads back to MD in the morning. Hopefully some of my Vermonters will be back on ENC grounds before the night ends or before I head out Monday. Some time Monday morning, the plann is to take some engagement photos for a couple I knew in college and then grab brunch with Andrew (he’s up visiting people and preparing for an interview). It’ll be good to see him. He’s been my best friend for 4 years. Thank goodness that’s not going anywhere. : ) Once that’s all set and after I say my goodbyes, I’m heading to my favorite house in Wilton to hang with the Stocks for Labor Day (Kenny’s not working! YAY!). I’ll stay through Tuesday night so that I can go to Tent and will then come home Wednesday some time.

Want to hear something even more awesome? I will be home Wednesday and Thursday, and then another epic weekend comes my way. The SoulFest Volunteer BBQ is this Saturday and a bunch of the volunteers whom I love dearly are travelling up to be there. : ) We’re going to hang out for most of the weekend. I’m so pleased!

The only things that could use an uplifting note in my life right now are apartments and a job. I’m completely living my life to the fullest. And I can’t wait for God to provide for all of my needs. : ) Have a great holiday weekend, all!!!

I Lift My Head and Don’t Let Go

Hello all : )

I have had an… interesting few days. My life is so different from what it was a month ago and it’s definitely taking some getting used to. I’ve discovered through several burning pains in my chest, back, stomach and side (as well as some attempts to kick the pain out of me *cough* Chris *cough*) that I have a very doubtful attitude. Or, actually, it’s not really something I’ve discovered so much as something I’ve acknowledged. Most of my life I have doubted anything good – I’ve always waited for the rise to become a fall, for what goes up to come down. Whether it’s in my friendships and relationships, my job or income, my spiritual gifts, my connection with God, my skills and talents – I have doubted nearly everything at some point in my life for some reason. This past weekend I was healed of so much from simple physical ailments like a twisted spine which made one leg shorter than the other to deep spiritual roots that have left immense amounts of guilt in me. It was all so completely amazing! Yet once I came home and was no longer around my spiritual fuel, my world changers (and how I love all seven of you), I began to doubt it all. And that is just foolish. That doubt is exactly what will hinder me from growing, and God knows there is a mighty enemy that doesn’t want me to continue growing at the pace that I have been. Thank goodness for those unusual friends who kicked me in my side, hit me in the back of the head or completely invaded my space and comfort bubbles to knock that sense back into me.

I’ve been talking to a lot of you lately about a marvelous book that I seem to have permanently borrowed from my lifelong bestfriend, Dustin, called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. This book has taken on a completely different attitude and importance to me given everything that has happened in, to and through my life in the past month. Every time something comes at me or attacks me, I’ve been grasping for something and trying to understand it and have never quite wrapped my fingers around it. Once I realized that the door I keep opening for pain is all wrapped in the insane amount of doubt I harbor in my spirit, the quote I was looking for from this book came to me clear as day.

You are not what you think you are. There is a glory to your life that your Enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it… But once you begin to see with those eyes, once you have begun to know it is true from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything.

The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it.

To use a phrase that has become second nature to me as of late, the first thing that came into my mind when I grabbed onto this was hellooooo! Of course I am having a harder time with believing! Of course I am being hit with all this stuff left and right! The target that’s been on me for years is now glowing bright as can be. They’re throwing all they’ve got at me to try to bring me down before I step into all that God has for me. Can you believe it? Satan fears me. With this new bit of knowledge, things have changed dramatically. I can look such doubtful things in the face and laugh. I know I have been healed. I know I am filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that God has changed me – is changing me. These doubtful feelings are just Satan’s way of trying to get a hold in somewhere where he is not welcome.

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

So much has changed and so much will continue to change. But there is no way I can deny that God’s got it under control and that it is right and perfect in His timing. Until yesterday, I had no prospects for anything… just a location I wanted to live near, a church family I couldn’t wait to call home and a roommate who also couldn’t wait to get out of her parents house once we both found jobs. Now I’m getting ready to head to bed to prepare for two job interviews on Tuesday and looking at three apartments tomorrow. And the best part is that there’s still so much more to come and I know it! I’ll be making my way south to be with some of the crew tomorrow and will then be in Wilton/Nashua until Wednesday so that I can go to Tent (<3) and see everyone there. And I love it.

God is moving in New Hampshire… in New England. He’s changing things and shifting things and making things nearly perfect for a few friends and I to be closer together, living near each other, at this time so that we can continue to grow and feed each other. God is also strengthening friendships and introducing friendships with people who are currently nowhere physically near me (again, <3) and His timing and plans are just so immense. Did you know that God gives a ridiculous amount of subliminal messages? Because I’ve found soooo many in the last few days that it’s pretty hilariously ridiculous! And it all makes me so excited I can hardly contain myself. : )

The title of this blog post is from the song “Back and Forth” by Lanae Hale, a song I didn’t think I would like at all for no particular reason other than I didn’t like Lanae’s singing style at first. Well, big shocker here, I’m in love with her music and the lyrics to this song. The chorus and the bridge are my favorite (you can check out everything else on your own):

Feel the rain falling hard on my shoulders
I lift my head and don’t let go
Feel the tide rising high as I get older
I lift my head and don’t let go
I feel the waves rolling over and over
I lift my head and I don’t let go
Cuz You’re my light when the dark gets colder
So take my hand and don’t let go, don’t let go

If I could, I would run across the sea
To hear you speak to me

Back and forth the waves keep crashing
Hold on, my head – I keep on sinking
I need Your hand to steady me,
To bring Your peace to this storm
Cuz it’s back and forth

I’m not going to give in and just take the pain or accept the doubt. As soon as it crosses my mind, bzzzt! I’m totally zapping it away. There’s no place for that here. God’s got my hand and He won’t let me go. Just a little something to reflect on… I’ve now written a little more than I intended, but I knew I wanted to write tonight. I should go switch my laundry and head to bed so that I can be out of here tomorrow morning to get myself to Allie’s so we can look at apartments. : ) Hope you all had a great weekend and that you have a great start to your weeks!