And So This Is Life

Well. My last post was months ago. I have SO much to update you all on!

I absolutely love my job at Bonhoeffer’s. It’s been such a blessing and I love the people I work with. We just finished a few weeks at work that were super intense, first with GOIAM, an international conference that Grace Fellowship Church (my church that the cafe is affiliated with) hosts every year, and just recently with the Holiday Stroll. It was really crazy busy and intense the whole time, but there were so many interesting people in the cafe. I got to chat some more with a few of the pastors who were at the Healing service a few weeks back at The Village Church and just had an all around awesome time. : ) Cara also told me that I make the absolute best Pumpkin Pie Lattes that she’s ever had. Woot. I learned a little more about Cappuccinos earlier in October which was pretty interesting. Christina made one wet and one dry and then asked me to try them, which obviously didn’t go so well since I don’t like coffee. I could hardly stand the German Chocolate Mocha I made a few weeks back. : ) So great. I love my job.

Also along the lines of job news, many of you know that I started work at the Apple store in Nashua as a part-time Specialist. Yet another job full of amazing people that I love inside and out. The people I work with are pretty much amazing – we all get along so awesomely and it’s just fantastic to have so many people who get me in one place. : )

By the end of the month, I should be in an apartment in Nashua, whether it’s with roommates or on my own. I’m excited but nervous all at the same time. With one option, I’d be able to start my event planning program and finish it within a matter of months. With another option, I’d have an entire apartment all to myself to do what I wanted with it and make it 100% my own – there’s something appealing about having a space that is completely my own right now. However, all that said, I will go where God sends me. One thing’s sure though – wherever I go, Stuart is coming with me! I miss my cat soooo much!!!

Okay. I’m sure this has been a boring post. And I need to get a Christmas list to my fam. So I’m going to do that and eat and all that jazz. Hopefully I’ll be able to post again sooner rather than later! God bless you all in this holiday season!!!

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

It’s been a while. I know. I’m lame. My apologies. Allow me to give you a quick explanation. : )

I came to Nashua a little over a week ago to go to a job interview with The Picture People and to spend the weekend with friends at a few healing services, a SoulFest BBQ and just to have an all around awesome time. My interview was at 11 on Friday. I got a call telling me I had the job by 6pm Friday. They asked me to start Monday. : ) So, we all celebrated and got super excited and then I had to coordinate going home and grabbing some more clothes because, heh, I hadn’t planned on staying in Nashua/Wilton for longer than the weekend. SURPRISE! I still haven’t been home. : )

I went through my week of training at The Picture People and discovered that it was absitively posolutely not for me… I was miserable. I hated going into work. I learned a lot more about photography and lighting and posing than I knew before, but it just was not at ALL where I wanted to be. Plus, the scheduling made it very difficult if I were to try to find another part-time job (which I will need eventually). So I started praying about what to do and where God would send me.

Sometime mid-week last week I went into Bonhoeffer’s Cafe for an interview – Bonhoeffer’s is a WONDERFUL cafe connected with Grace Fellowship Church that is probably one of the happiest places I’ve ever been in. As I described it to Krissy earlier, Bonhoeffer’s is a hug. This past Sunday (as in two days ago) I realized that I couldn’t deal with The Picture People anymore and it wasn’t worth my time or theirs for me to continue… So I was trying to figure out how to go about quitting and had spent Sunday morning thinking and praying about it. After church, we were hanging out in Bonhoeffer’s when Kathy (the manager) came in and told me she had been wanting to talk to me. Instead of telling me I got the job, she asked me to call her so I could start training. : )

I took a quick trip to The Picture People after to speak with one of the managers and give her a heads up about quitting to see what I should do as far as that goes. I ended up going in Monday morning ready to work so I could speak with the studio manager. She offered me the option of a seasonal position where I choose my own hours during their peak times and just help out wherever. And I totally might take her up on that offer.

So. I am living in Wilton with the Stocks right now still sorting out jobs. I’m super happy with my life however frequently it changes.  I am totally in love with my friends both near and far. One of my dearest friends gets married THIS WEEKEND and I am completely ECSTATIC!!!

I should prolly get going – I’ve been writing this song that I really want to finish. God’s really been giving me the words I need to express everything that’s on my heart and mind and it really helps to be able to get it out.

Hope you all are well! <3

Writers Block (or Stockade)

I’ve got half of a song written and I really want to finish it… I also have the beginnings of a few other songs. And I want to finish them as well! GAH! Hopefully this weekend will break past the writers block I seem to have when I’m back with 6 of the 7 (Tori’s in Canada). AND!! Corey, Brittany, Krissy, Kathy and I’m not even sure how many other awesome people are going to be there as well when we’re at the SoulFest Volunteer BBQ Saturday at Kathy’s place!

This is a really short post, and I know that… but still. I have an interview with The Picture People tomorrow at 11am. Then I’ll hopefully do some more job things before heading to the Stocks’ house to change and get ready for the weekend!! (Friday night @ Chris’ with the crew, Saturday @ the SoulFest Volunteer BBQ!!, Sunday @ Grace Fellowship and then back home to WO-Town)

On an ending note, I’m ready for a nice full-time job and to be able to move into an apartment please. That would be wonderful…

Surrendering

I’ve come to a crazy realization: being at home here in Ossipee depresses me and drains me and makes me feel so lazy. When I’m here, I don’t want to do anything but sleep, lay around in my room (which I let become a total disaster), watch TV or surf around on my computer. I don’t really have a whole lot of people around here to hang out with (minus the times Derek and his dad are visiting their grandmother in Wolfeboro) and I just get in a really down mood. And I can’t stand it. This is one of many reasons that I need to move out of my house… It’s starting to drive me a little nuts. I really just want my own place in an area where I feel happy and where I have friends closer than an hour+ away… Obviously I have other reasons, but these are important reasons to me. I like being joyful and happy and I like to be going places and doing things… And I have absolutely no motivation here to do any of that.

With that said, God’s taken away almost everything that’s holding me back from going where He needs me to go. And while it’s been hard surrendering everything and while I have a habit of surrendering piece by piece instead of all at once, I know that it will definitely be worth it in the end. This past week when I was at Tent, God kept letting me know that I was holding myself back with little things here and little things there. When we got back to the house in Wilton, this song was the first to come on my iTunes:

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly, not one has fallen
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am
And now You’re asking me to show
What I’ve been holding oh, so tightly
Can’t open my hands, can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show You?
Can’t You let me go?

“Surrender, surrender…”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can’t You see
My dreams are me, my dreams are me

You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with one that’s committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

“Surrender, surrender…”
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know, but can’t You see
My dreams are me, my dreams are me

I get it. : ) Better late than never, right? God’s completely blasted away my dreams and my plans and everything I wanted for my life and is showing me all that He wants for me and He’s showing me how happy and joyous life can be when I accept it all without a fight! I’m not going to be perfect at the whole surrendering thing – I know I’m going to trip up now and then and have a hard time surrendering some things still, but I’ll get it and I choose this path. And if I’m ever being stupid about things, I know that I can count on my friends to kick me back into my place. : )

I’m getting ready to head out for another few days of awesome fun. Tonight I’m driving to ENC to spend some time with Teeter and Sarah before Sarah heads back to MD in the morning. Hopefully some of my Vermonters will be back on ENC grounds before the night ends or before I head out Monday. Some time Monday morning, the plann is to take some engagement photos for a couple I knew in college and then grab brunch with Andrew (he’s up visiting people and preparing for an interview). It’ll be good to see him. He’s been my best friend for 4 years. Thank goodness that’s not going anywhere. : ) Once that’s all set and after I say my goodbyes, I’m heading to my favorite house in Wilton to hang with the Stocks for Labor Day (Kenny’s not working! YAY!). I’ll stay through Tuesday night so that I can go to Tent and will then come home Wednesday some time.

Want to hear something even more awesome? I will be home Wednesday and Thursday, and then another epic weekend comes my way. The SoulFest Volunteer BBQ is this Saturday and a bunch of the volunteers whom I love dearly are travelling up to be there. : ) We’re going to hang out for most of the weekend. I’m so pleased!

The only things that could use an uplifting note in my life right now are apartments and a job. I’m completely living my life to the fullest. And I can’t wait for God to provide for all of my needs. : ) Have a great holiday weekend, all!!!

I Lift My Head and Don’t Let Go

Hello all : )

I have had an… interesting few days. My life is so different from what it was a month ago and it’s definitely taking some getting used to. I’ve discovered through several burning pains in my chest, back, stomach and side (as well as some attempts to kick the pain out of me *cough* Chris *cough*) that I have a very doubtful attitude. Or, actually, it’s not really something I’ve discovered so much as something I’ve acknowledged. Most of my life I have doubted anything good – I’ve always waited for the rise to become a fall, for what goes up to come down. Whether it’s in my friendships and relationships, my job or income, my spiritual gifts, my connection with God, my skills and talents – I have doubted nearly everything at some point in my life for some reason. This past weekend I was healed of so much from simple physical ailments like a twisted spine which made one leg shorter than the other to deep spiritual roots that have left immense amounts of guilt in me. It was all so completely amazing! Yet once I came home and was no longer around my spiritual fuel, my world changers (and how I love all seven of you), I began to doubt it all. And that is just foolish. That doubt is exactly what will hinder me from growing, and God knows there is a mighty enemy that doesn’t want me to continue growing at the pace that I have been. Thank goodness for those unusual friends who kicked me in my side, hit me in the back of the head or completely invaded my space and comfort bubbles to knock that sense back into me.

I’ve been talking to a lot of you lately about a marvelous book that I seem to have permanently borrowed from my lifelong bestfriend, Dustin, called Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. This book has taken on a completely different attitude and importance to me given everything that has happened in, to and through my life in the past month. Every time something comes at me or attacks me, I’ve been grasping for something and trying to understand it and have never quite wrapped my fingers around it. Once I realized that the door I keep opening for pain is all wrapped in the insane amount of doubt I harbor in my spirit, the quote I was looking for from this book came to me clear as day.

You are not what you think you are. There is a glory to your life that your Enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it… But once you begin to see with those eyes, once you have begun to know it is true from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything.

The story of your life is the story of the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it.

To use a phrase that has become second nature to me as of late, the first thing that came into my mind when I grabbed onto this was hellooooo! Of course I am having a harder time with believing! Of course I am being hit with all this stuff left and right! The target that’s been on me for years is now glowing bright as can be. They’re throwing all they’ve got at me to try to bring me down before I step into all that God has for me. Can you believe it? Satan fears me. With this new bit of knowledge, things have changed dramatically. I can look such doubtful things in the face and laugh. I know I have been healed. I know I am filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that God has changed me – is changing me. These doubtful feelings are just Satan’s way of trying to get a hold in somewhere where he is not welcome.

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

So much has changed and so much will continue to change. But there is no way I can deny that God’s got it under control and that it is right and perfect in His timing. Until yesterday, I had no prospects for anything… just a location I wanted to live near, a church family I couldn’t wait to call home and a roommate who also couldn’t wait to get out of her parents house once we both found jobs. Now I’m getting ready to head to bed to prepare for two job interviews on Tuesday and looking at three apartments tomorrow. And the best part is that there’s still so much more to come and I know it! I’ll be making my way south to be with some of the crew tomorrow and will then be in Wilton/Nashua until Wednesday so that I can go to Tent (<3) and see everyone there. And I love it.

God is moving in New Hampshire… in New England. He’s changing things and shifting things and making things nearly perfect for a few friends and I to be closer together, living near each other, at this time so that we can continue to grow and feed each other. God is also strengthening friendships and introducing friendships with people who are currently nowhere physically near me (again, <3) and His timing and plans are just so immense. Did you know that God gives a ridiculous amount of subliminal messages? Because I’ve found soooo many in the last few days that it’s pretty hilariously ridiculous! And it all makes me so excited I can hardly contain myself. : )

The title of this blog post is from the song “Back and Forth” by Lanae Hale, a song I didn’t think I would like at all for no particular reason other than I didn’t like Lanae’s singing style at first. Well, big shocker here, I’m in love with her music and the lyrics to this song. The chorus and the bridge are my favorite (you can check out everything else on your own):

Feel the rain falling hard on my shoulders
I lift my head and don’t let go
Feel the tide rising high as I get older
I lift my head and don’t let go
I feel the waves rolling over and over
I lift my head and I don’t let go
Cuz You’re my light when the dark gets colder
So take my hand and don’t let go, don’t let go

If I could, I would run across the sea
To hear you speak to me

Back and forth the waves keep crashing
Hold on, my head – I keep on sinking
I need Your hand to steady me,
To bring Your peace to this storm
Cuz it’s back and forth

I’m not going to give in and just take the pain or accept the doubt. As soon as it crosses my mind, bzzzt! I’m totally zapping it away. There’s no place for that here. God’s got my hand and He won’t let me go. Just a little something to reflect on… I’ve now written a little more than I intended, but I knew I wanted to write tonight. I should go switch my laundry and head to bed so that I can be out of here tomorrow morning to get myself to Allie’s so we can look at apartments. : ) Hope you all had a great weekend and that you have a great start to your weeks!

Unsatisfied (8/22)

I just spent an amazing 5 days away from home all over southern New Hampshire with some of my closest friends. So much change happens in me and so many amazing things happen when I’m with any of the four guys that I call my brothers, and a majority of the past 5 days I have been with all four of them. Out of the revelations and deep discussions that we had together, I wrote this poem. I feel like it pretty much speaks for itself, so I won’t give an explanation to go along with it. If you do have any questions, please feel free to ask me. I’d love for you to join me in this state of being unsatisfied.

Unsatisfied

As if the lights were always on
But my eyes were too closed to see
As if the music were always blaring
But my ears preferred a silent ring
As if the fire were right beside me
But my hands were content in the cold
As if the roses smelled their sweetest
But my nose favored the mold

We have put chains and limits on ourselves
That separate us from the fullness of living
We’ve been satisfied with being His followers
But we’ve neglected the truth of all He’s giving
His existence defies rationality
And His love defies reason
We should be striving to do the same
Through every time, place and season

Everything the world has defined
No longer applies

I will not be satisfied with mere Christianity
I refuse to accept the limits of everyday humanity
My God is bigger and my Jesus is stronger
I will not be restrained by the commonplace any longer
I cannot be made comfortable and I will not be whole
Until the unrestricted, unfathomable power of Christ seeps through my soul
Being led by my spirit with my mind set aside
I will remain passionately, uncontrollably unsatisfied

Love Heals Your Heart

To start off this entry, I just want to give a thanks to Third Day for being inspired to write some pretty amazing music. While I’m not a super fan of them or anything, there are a few songs they’ve written that just go right through me to my heart and speak what I can’t say or that tell me what I need to hear. Show Me Your Glory is one instance (“when I go down the mountain and get back to my life I won’t settle for ordinary things. I’m gonna follow you forever and for the rest of my days I won’t rest until I see you again”), but more recently I accidentally came across Love Heals Your Heart thanks to the wonderful shuffle that my iTunes consists of. When you have 3,179 songs in your iTunes, chances are there are a few handfuls of songs you haven’t really heard or paid attention to yet. : )

Anyway. I was in a slump the other day not feeling the greatest. I’m unemployed living in my parents house in a town where I don’t have too many friends with no real job prospects (not even temporary ones nearby) and just coming out of a 3.5 year relationship. A lot has changed. And, in case you haven’t gotten this impression, while the changes are great and right, it doesn’t mean they aren’t hard at times. Most of what I had planned out for my life (yes, I know, my plans, haha!) is no longer a part of the picture at all. I’ve let go of a lot of my dreams to see all that God has in store for me, even the dreams I loved the most. Needless to say, my heart’s felt a little weak lately. So, I’m sitting on the couch in my slump listening to my iTunes and facebook surfing or writing a poem and this song comes on that makes me completely stop what I’m doing and realize all of the blessings that have come my way.

When you think your life is shattered
And there’s no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You’re alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

God has brought back to me friends that I have lost touch with, has deepened friendships that were apparently only at the outer levels and has surrounded me with so many amazing new friends that I can’t even begin to tell you how loved I feel right now! I am in the last place I wanted to be right now (no offense to my family) – living at home unemployed, but all said and done, I feel pretty dern amazing about it all! And I know that a lot of that comes from the people in my life that have shown me love and random acts of kindness and encouragement over the past few weeks! You should know who you are and if you don’t, well, I most likely mean you as well. : ) Thanks for the beautiful blessings of these people You’ve given me, Jesus, and thanks for the people You have yet to bring my way. They are more precious to me than even I realize right now!

On another amazing note, I am about to enter yet another epic weekend relatively similar to that weekend back in the beginning of August when the Stocks and the Grimes girls came to North Andover for an over-nighter to celebrate my last day of work at New Sound (one of the best nights of my life to date <3). Tomorrow after I get my tires changed on my car, I will head out for an amazing 5 days in southern New Hampshire and Massachusetts.

Tomorrow (Friday) I will pick up Kenny from work in Wilton then head to Chris’ house in Antrim to meet up with Chris and Matt before heading to Hillsborough for Rock the Mountain!!! I’m pretty excited about this even though I have no idea what it’s going to be like. Worship on the mountain with the guys, Lenny and Christi!, and Kathy will be there, too! And I hear there’s going to be a sweet campfire. : ) We’ll crash at Chris’ place that night which is a joyful bundle of interesting just waiting to happen.

Saturday we’ll head back to Hillsborough for a bit more fellowship and awesomeness at Rock the Mountain – according to Lenny and Andrew W they’re going to do the Everything skit which gets me every time (posted on my facebook wall earlier). Whenever we get kicked away (: P), Kenny and I will head back to his house where I will blow up my wonderful air mattress and get settled in Jo’s room by her bed. Yep, I will be resting my head in the Stock house for 4 awesome nights. : ) Nothing like a good fix of Kenny, Derek, Jo and their parents to keep a smile on your face and laughter spilling out of your pockets!

Sunday will bring church at Grace Fellowship (<3) in Nashua with the wonderful people there followed (I’m sure) by some marvelous laughter and chat time at Bonhoeffers Cafe – no doubt accompanied by a strawberry smoothie (my fav). It’s no lie that I enjoy the company of Grace Fellowship people. I understand that no church is perfect and that if you’re in one place long enough you find that it’s got its problems, but the community and atmosphere of Grace is just what I’ve been searching for (without realizing it) and I’m always so happy when I’m there! So glad my second family introduced me to this church!

Monday I will be heading to Quincy some time in the early afternoon hours (yep, you are reading correctly ENC people). I’m hoping to snag some catch up chat time with some of my loves who will be on campus before I go out to take engagement photos of Katy and Junior (<3!). I’m pretty excited about this. And it’s a combination of my love for taking photos, my love for engagements and my love for those two people. After the shoot, Katy and I are going to go out for a girls only dinner. : ) When all is said and done, back to the Stock house I’ll go!

Tuesday will be a day of helping around the house and hanging out with Derek, Jo and their mom while Kenny is at work (oh, the fun to be had!). Once Kenny gets back, we’ll snag some dinner and head to Grace again for Tent of Meeting – a prayer and worship service on Tuesday nights that I completely love (obviously since I’ve decided to make the 2-hour drive to Wilton every Tuesday to stay the night at the Stocks just so that I can be there for Tent). Afterwards there will be some more Bonhoeffers scrumptiousness before heading back to the house and crashing once more.

Wednesday I will be leaving early in the morning – around 6:45 or 7am. I’ve got to get to North Conway by 10am (with morning and school traffic) to get to an orthodontist appointment (my bottom retainer broke last night *sadface*). Then I’ll spend the day preparing resumes and my outfit for Thursday’s job fair at the speedway (Derek and Conti – don’t forget! You guys are going and you have no say in the matter!).

I have a busy schedule. : ) And like I was mentioning to Andrew H earlier, I’ve got no extensive plans. I’ve got plans a week at a time because I have no idea where I’ll be much farther along than that. As much as I like knowing what’s going on and planning things and just knowing what to expect, I’m really loving life right now – and I’m most assuredly really living life right now. : ) I’ll catch you all up again once I return from this whirlwind week! God bless and enjoy your weekend!

Don’t Give Up On Me Now

I was in a poetry writing mood. And this one sort of came out more lyrical than I expected. If I ever actually learn to play the guitar, maybe something will come of it. There’s already bits of tunes in my head. : ) Just one of those nights where I’m realizing all that has changed and how much all of that change means for my future. This life may not always be easy and full of lemon drops and gum drops (oh, what a rain that would be!), but it’s still beautiful and it’s still all a part of what God has in store for me… And I just got inspiration for another poem… Maybe I’ll have to jot some down before I go to bed… Enjoy!

Open this book and read the tattered pages
Sometimes it still feels like I’m setting stages
To smile the biggest and laugh so hard
No, I never knew change would go this far
Everything I thought I knew has been turned around
And the aftershock of the change leaves a painful sound
My heart still feels the tremors and it’s sometimes scared to beat
While I’m weaker than I’ll admit, I refuse to state defeat

I’ve been walking around with my heart in my hands
Trying to find someone else who understands
While my light is the brightest it’s ever been
Each day it takes all I have to turn it back on again
I want you to see how much has changed in me
But I’m finding it hard to let all the changes go free
I’ll make it through this mud in time, I know
I’m just getting tired and moving is hard and slow

So be there for me, care for me
Be aware of me, say a prayer for me
And don’t you ever give up on me
No, don’t you dare
Hold on to me, travel on with me
Look out for me, cry out with me
But don’t you ever give up on me
Please, don’t give up

This is the hardest I’ve ever fought to win the fight
But I’m determined to beat this – I know this is right
The goal is worth the ride but it’s longer than I thought
What I wanted as the end before I have to say is not
And now I’m driving blind while He steers me on
While I know I’m safe, I just don’t feel as strong
His hand’s on my shoulder and it soothes the shaking
But it’s hard to remember that there is good in the breaking

So be there for me, care for me
Be aware of me, say a prayer for me
And don’t you ever give up on me
No, don’t you dare
Hold on to me, travel on with me
Look out for me, cry out with me
But don’t you ever give up on me
Please, don’t give up on me
Just hug me now, love me now
Take care of my heart with me now
And don’t you ever give up on me
No, don’t you dare
Please don’t give up on me now

This Life Is Beautiful

Finally. A real update for you all. Because I know there are so many of you who have no idea what’s going on in my life. Or there are many of you who think you know what’s going on in my life, but there have been some drastic changes this summer. And they’ve been hard and they’ve been strange, but they’ve been good and right. So, here goes.

Before the summer hit, I had four places I didn’t want to live: New Hampshire, Massachusetts, California and the midwest. The plan was to move down south to the VA/MD area near wherever Andrew or I got a job. Andrew and I both had jobs that seemed like a sure thing and we were all set to get our own apartments and move down there towards the end of the summer. I had all of these plans for my life and how awesome it was going to be to be living back down south again.

I was working for New Sound Concerts and The SoulFest this summer with some amazing people (miss you guys). Since I was living in North Andover, I was a little closer to Kenny’s, so we came up with this awesome tradition that every Wednesday I would go to their house and either stay really late or spend the night and just have a blast with his family. I love the Stocks – they are like my second family and I have a hard time being away from them for too long.

I had already learned a lot and grown a lot by the time the festival came around, so when I got on-site and found out that the job I thought I had down south wasn’t going to work out and earlier found out that Andrew’s didn’t quite pan out either, my future was in turmoil. I had no idea what was going to happen when SoulFest ended and I had no job and no place to live. On Tuesday when the 500+ volunteers were arriving for orientation, I was telling one of my friends how stressed I was and he just told me I wasn’t trusting in God enough. I got mad and told him I was, and after he left to go do his job, I started to realize that he was right.

The rest of the week at SoulFest was absolutely amazing, however sleepless and complicated at times. I met so many wonderful people and learned so many great things. Friendships that I had before were deepened ridiculously and my faith grew intensely – I just started to see all that God was doing for me and how He was providing for me. And it was a marvelous sight to behold.

At the end of the festival, I was trying to explain to someone how much I had changed this summer and how much my faith had changed and all I could think of was a rephrase that line from the Grinch – “Hilary’s faith grew three sizes that week”. I grew more this summer than I have in the last four years. And I grew more in a week than I did the entire summer.

As I left the festival grounds, I realized something else that was changing: I didn’t really want to leave New Hampshire at all. I have some amazing friends in Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and all around the area that make my life so wonderful (not that my friends elsewhere don’t! You know I love you!) and there is just something about New Hampshire that’s changed things for me… so I started to feel attached. One night after the festival when I was at Kenny’s house, I told him, Derek, Jo and Chris that unless God called me elsewhere, I was looking around the southern New Hampshire area for a job. Chris and Kenny pulled me off the hood of Kenny’s car for a hug full of “yays”. : )

Another change is that Andrew and I are no longer dating. We both know that ultimately it’s the right thing, but it is a little weird and hard to get used to just being friends. There’s no way we won’t be friends though – when you’re with someone for so long they come to know you really well, and Andrew’s friendship is really important to me. He’s awesome. : )

So, to sort of summarize where I am now compared to the original plan: I am jobless, living back in my parents house in West Ossipee for the time being, single and not looking, job hunting in Southern New Hampshire, hoping to live with Allie in Nashua, and I’m trusting in God with all that’s in me to take me where He would have me go.

All of that being said, I love my life. There are parts that I don’t understand and there are things that are uncertain and things that are a little rough right now, but I wouldn’t change a thing. My life has become something beautiful and the people in my life both near and far are so precious to me – whether you were here with me for the summer or haven’t been in touch with me much, you are still so near and dear to my heart. There’s a song by Press Play that I heard on the radio before SoulFest that says “This life is beautiful – I give it all to You, all to You. This life is made for You – I give it all.” That’s how I feel about my life right now. I’m so completely content and at peace with my life and however drastic and rough the changes were or are or will be for a while, I know they are the right thing and that gives me a peace that covers all!

Monday after SoulFest was the hardest day for me. I left work at New Sound to drive to Kenny’s house because I was just so overwhelmed by my answers from God and how much was about to change in my life. As I was driving to his house, another song I had never really listened to on my iPod came on: “I don’t want to live for anything but You, Jesus. All I have to give, I give it all to You, Jesus.” And I started laughing and crying. That’s what I want! That’s where I’m going! So many changes within a month’s time and at any other point in my life, I might have exploded, but I haven’t! When I got to Kenny’s house, he was still at work but Derek greeted me with a big hug and I felt right at home and I felt like I was safe and I was okay. Life gets better every day for me. Each day is better than the one before it. I learn more of what God has in store for me with every passing moment. And I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me next.

With all of that being said and you all being updated, I’m about to go for a wonderfully epic weekend. This afternoon after I’ve cleaned my car, I will be going ot Kenny’s for the night to see GI Joe with him, Derek and Tiffani and then making dinner at Tiff’s house. After spending the night at the Stock house, I will meet my cousin Erin at Six Flags on Saturday for a wonderful day of cousinly fun in the sun! She’s never been to Six Flags, so this is going to be so great! At the end of the day I will head back to Kenny’s to unwind and relax after a full day. Sunday morning will be church with the Stocks and Chris and then rock climbing with Chris, Kenny and the Grimes girls! I probably won’t climb since I’m spending so much money this weekend already, but Kelsie leaves for Ireland in about a week – *sadface* – and this will be a great time for all of us to get together. When the day is done, I will head home to Ossipee (only to head back to Kenny’s on Tuesday night for Tent in Nashua and to stay over at their house. Again.).

God’s blessed me with an amazing life that’s just getting more beautiful every day. : ) This has been the hardest, sadest, weirdest, best summer I’ve ever experienced. So, God, what’s next?

We Will Never Be The Same

So, I promise this is my last “partial” update.

I’ve spent the summer working for New Sound International and The SoulFest. I also got to make a quick trip down south to Camp Accovac and such to visit my friends there, and it was so needed. And though at times I got so stressed I needed to explode and kick boxes apart or what have you at SoulFest, I wouldn’t change a single thing because God blessed me with so much growth and so many people that I needed to meet and connect with. When I left the grounds on Monday morning, I played this song as I pulled away and it is so incredibly true. I’ve put a youtube video with the audio below, so just click play and read through the lyrics.

Every time I come back to this rock
You’ve reminded me that I am not alone
That I will never been alone
When I turn to see that the tides have changed
The people change and I am not the same
No I will never be the same

Hey did you know that you fed my soul
The day that you opened up to me
I just couldn’t be still and tie down my will
I just wanted to run with you

I thank my God every time I remember you
I thank my God every time I remember you

When I start to think about you and me and how we came to be
I start to think about time and how we made it through fine
And then I turn to see that the times have changed
That people change and I am not the same
No I will never be the same

Hey did you know that you fed my soul
The day that you opened up to me
I just couldn’t be still and tie down my will
I just wanted to run with you

I thank my God every time I remember you
I thank my God every time I remember you

Ever since you stepped foot on this rock
You know it doesn’t really matter how you came
We will never be the same

You are all something super special to me and will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me and I can’t wait to see what God will do with you all by the time next summer rolls around.